Alone

I have known so much sadness in my lifetime. Watching the pain on my children's faces. Having those same children turn against me. Being a victim of abuse again and again and again myself, by three different husbands, by different boyfriends, by my parents, being sexually abused by a neighbor as a child. Feeling the freight train screaming through the inside of me, in my body and my mind, fearing it will tear me in two. Being left alone either physically or emotionally by the people I love. I scream on the inside I love you, come back to me. Tears flow as I hug my pillow saying over and over I love you I still love you I still love you. Lately some things have come to my attention that never should have happened. Some emails I was never supposed to see but were carelessly left open on the table for me to see. Whether on purpose or not it doesn't matter. I was doing so well now I feel like my world is falling apart again. I have a house to move into, alone, and I am frightened where I had no fear just a week ago. I was happy again. I even got through my divorce, which just happened to be on my husband's birthday. Happy birthday Rich. The lies they said about me, the lies hurt me. The way they don't believe me when I tell them the truth. That hurts more than anything. The plans they thought they were making for me behind my back. They never came to me and asked me what was going on. I tried to tell them and they didn't believe me, instead they believed lies. They believed her lies, she, the one who has made it her life's mission to hurt me, her only daughter. I had forgotten about the pain my children have inflicted on me, but then I saw the emails. They emailed each other about me to others and shared their lies about me. They never asked me if it was true, but when I try to make anyone understand what it has been like for me, I get shut out. I have been misjudged, I have been done a grievous wrong. I didn't think I could handle this new event, but I prayed oh how hard I prayed, and the Lord brought me peace once more. How I love the Lord. He is there right beside me, he is inside me, he is always there when I cry out to him and he calms me and gives me peace once more. But nothing can take away the wrongs that have been done to me. I just have to go away and forget about them if I can because they don't want me anymore. I have to accept it. I am alone, all alone. My parents don't want me, my children don't want me, my now ex-husband doesn't want me. I have been so wronged, and everyone else thinks they are right. Only when they get to heaven will they see what I had to endure both in my marriage and then after, here, in this house of lies. When I get into my house, I think I will cry a river. I will cry for a year, I will cry all day and I will cry all night. Then I will ask God to keep the crying from breaking me. I just need to bleed the hurt out of my system so I can finally live again. I thought my children loved me as much as I love them but I was wrong. They are just like everyone else in my life, they only love me if it benefits them. Otherwise I am no good, I am worthless, just like my mother says I am. If I stay in this house of pain much longer, I will lose my mind. Tonight my mother kept at my father, again and again and again. I finally could take it no longer and cried as i emptied the dishwasher as they sat at the table eating, my father just trying to do anything to keep her happy. But it is impossible to keep her happy. She just wants to hurt everyone, hurt them and hurt them again. I watched a movie tonight and a woman found the love of her life and he said such sweet things to her. My husband refused to call me by my name. We were together 14 years and he never called me by my name. It was always hon or something like that, but he could not bring himself to call me by my name. I was a thing, a possession, not a person. I just want someone to show me some love! I thought my kids would love me for life, and I was happy as long as I had them in my life, but they pulled away a few years ago, until it became complete. They don't know how to forgive, they don't know how to make up, they don't know how to accept an apology, they are hard hearted. They are nothing like me, and I thought I taught them to forgive, and to love, and to be giving. I am alone. I have no one who loves me. I only have enemies. I have no one. I am alone, alone, alone, alone, alone. Except for Jesus, who always relieves my pain, again, and again, and again. I guess I only need him for he is the only one who has truly stayed by my side. He knows about the lies they believe. They are disloyal, and they are liars. I am alone. They never even asked me about it. They just make their assumptions. I am righteous in this: I have not lied about one thing I have said has happened to me. They just don't want to hear it.